i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
