Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
