either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
