you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
being pregnant is like rehab
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
