Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
