piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
