Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
