i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
