does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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