maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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