erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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