you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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