He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
