Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
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