I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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