im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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