WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
