Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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