I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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