I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
