Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
