piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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