I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
