Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
