she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
