Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Randomize
