Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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