Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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