A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize