Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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