My first STD was from a foam party
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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