Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize