At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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