I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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