Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
