I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
