It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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