Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
