I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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