I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
