It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
