Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
please don't ironically join a cult
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