Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
