U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
