I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
