I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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