I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
