1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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