a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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