We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
