Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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