and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's shark week go big or go home
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
