my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
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