The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
