honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
