Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
