I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
