On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
