I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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