i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
