Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
