Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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