I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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