One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
