What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
