mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
